The following is a series of internet product reviews for a standing adjustable desk made of reclaimed bamboo with a removable keyboard tray. A man known only by his online username “Greg” has fallen prey to the standing desk and its alluring tray. His complicated relationship with the product is documented below.

Greg

★★★★★ Love my new Standing Reclaimed Bamboo Adjustable Desk w/removable keyboard tray

December 1, 2018

Just got to my new job today and let me tell you — my new Standing Reclaimed Bamboo Adjustable Desk with removable keyboard tray is DIVINEEEEEEEE. I’ve always dreamed of working at a job that lets me have a desk like this — strong, mighty, standing. A job that “gets” ergonomics. And this desktop — plenty of open room for working, standing, and writing reviews about “Excalibur,” as I call my new desk sometimes, to myself, in a soft voice. If I could sum up Excalibur in one word, followed by a hyphenated word, and then another word, I would say: “Great desk-like experience.”

Press the ‘up’ button, conveniently located on the underside of the desktop, and this baby goes up. Press the ‘down’ button and this baby goes down. LOVING MY NEW STANDING DESK and the social status it brings me with my peers.

The removable keyboard tray literally makes me feel like CEO.

Andrew

Missing Pieces please send ASAP

December 2, 2018

Missing pieces. There was no Removable Keyboard Tray in our order. Please send ASAP

Greg

★★★★ Still feeling this lil’ baby!

December 8, 2018

Welp, just finished my first week of work and I must say: Not bad! I’m feeling good about my coworkers, except for Jeff — real butthole. I think he must be jealous of “Excalibur.” He’s just always around, ya know, hands on his hips and shaking his head. Always asking, “How are things going, fella?” He does that thing where he comes into a conversation halfway, leans in, and goes “Righhhttt? Been there.” Then he goes in for the high five. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I butt into the middle of other people’s conversations without knowing what they’re talking about and say, “Righhhttt? Been there” and try to high five everyone, too. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just the *frequency* with which Jeff does it that bothers me. It really harshes my productivity buzz — almost makes it feel like I have a regular old sitting desk again. Anyway, that’s not the point.

The point is this standing desk is making work seem like it’s not work at all. It’s making it feel more like exercise I get paid to do! Imagine — driving into work, like I do, taking the elevator up to my floor, like I do, taking the moving sidewalk to my cubicle, like I do, approaching my standing desk, as I do, and then just embracing the day’s offering of spreadsheets and reports — while standing up for eight glorious hours!

I currently have my desk raised to approximately 4 feet 7 inches, just to show everyone how much I love it. Today, when Jeff came in, I pressed that ‘up’ button and raised it one more little inchy, just to show him who has got the best desk. I LOVE MY STANDING DESK! The removable keyboard tray is FUCKING BADASS!

Farrell

★★ It is very very heavy

December 8, 2018

Did not like because it is too heavy

Greg

★★★ Wait this is as high as this fucker goes???

December 20, 2018

Jeff bothered me again today >:( Came right into my office and leaned over my standing desk, asking about its make, model, and serial number. Pretty sure he wants one for himself. I was able to press my trusty little “up” button and raised the desk 4 feet 10 inches. Then I couldn’t even see his little weasel face over my three side by side-by-side monitors! Sadly 4 feet 10 inches seems to be as high as my standing desk can go, hence my 3-star rating.

Cooper

★★ POOR CHOICE

December 8, 2018

Item is poorly constructed and much larger than expected. Return shipping charges are EXTREMELY high. Buyer beware.

Greg

★★ Would like to lower, please

January 3, 2019

Tried to lower this fudging thing and Jeff came in asking what the heck I thought I was doing. Turns out he’s the boss here???? WTH! Anyway, apparently Jeff and the other management doofs don’t like it when anyone lowers the standing desks. Gives the company a “non-startup” look? That’s what Jeff told me at least, while leaning on a ping pong table, a foosball table and a Keurig at the same time. I still love Excaliber and its delightful removable keyboard tray, but 4 feet 10 inches is quite high for everyday use and my legs are getting VERY tire. I would give away at least half of my free catered breakfast to be able to lower this desk just one single inch. I actually tried to when Jeff wasn’t looking but I think someone disconnected the wires?? Regardless, the desk will not go down, hence the 2-star review.

RJ Smith

★★ You’re Taking A Risk With This Company. My Advice: STAY AWAY

January 4, 2019

After initially looking at this height adjustable desks, I came across this little beauty with a price tag much more appealing to a millennial mindset. I’m big on off-brands and finding the best price with the right amount of quality I’m looking for; however, it’s always a risk when you go with an off-brand item. Luckily, the reviews left for this product we’re fairly good, so I thought I’d give it a try.

To sum everything up, I’m guessing that they gave me the wrong screws because I’ve searched the whole box and the only screws I can find are too small. I know what you’re thinking right now; can’t you just buy screws yourself you loser? Well yes I could, and thanks for asking you pretentious git! But I paid a hefty price for this item so that I wouldn’t have to go out and find screws on my own. Worst of all, I’d like to know what dimension of screw I should use if I were to go buy some, but the instructions give absolutely no size or metrics or anything.

Greg

PLEASE HELP! CANNOT SIT DOWN

January 7, 2019

Please. Please let me lower my standing desk. I’ve tried calling customer support about it and they have repeatedly told me that management has “disabled that feature” and it’s just not possible. I’m stuck at 4 feet 10 inches, which if you really think about it, is quite high. I’m on my tippy toes here, and it hurts.

My calves, however, look amazing. Also, the removable keyboard tray is a freaking gift from God.