As many of you may know, JJ Watt of the Houston Texans, our beloved local superhero, has a pretty bad bobo on his knee (it’s more “in” his knee, than on it) and has been ruled OUT for the remainder of the season. This is a brutal injury all around. When things start to seem like they are going right — rookie QB Deshaun Watson dazzling us with touchdowns, Brian Cushing getting suspended for testing positive for his own blood type forcing the coach to play younger players, Shane Lechler quiting his job as a financial advisor at the Fidelity Investments office in Sugar Land to take PUNTING more seriously this season — severe physical injury grabs you by the pectoral muscle and kicks you square in the knee. And it hurts — it hurts everyone. While watching last Sunday’s game on TV, I literally saw an older white woman crying in the stands when JJ went down. She was wearing a pink and white JJ Watt jersey and was crying into her hands. So of course NBC put that on television.
Obviously the person most hurt by all of this is the injured party, Mr. Justin James Watt. Many of us have experienced some physical ailments that have set us back a few days, weeks, or even months, and it’s likely that we all heard some of the same advice — whether emotional or physical — about recovering from said injury: You must occupy your time.
“Don’t get bogged down in the depression!”
“Don’t masturbate more than you normally would!”
For Mr. Watt (White Jesus), I have curated a perfectly plausible — bordering on absolutely likely — list of jobs that he can take up during his recovery.
10. Back up horn player for The Suffers
“Can JJ Watt even play a musical instrument?” you ask. I have no idea. Probably not. But that doesn’t mean he can’t fill in from time to time and do a perfectly adequate job.
9. Designated hitter for the Houston Astros
That’s one way of making it to the playoffs this year.
8. Fundraising workshop with Carolyn Farb
With their powers combined, no currency stands a chance.
7. Inner Loop pothole fixer
There’s no greater way to drive home a lesson about the strength and importance of infrastructure than have some poor bastard with a knee injury fill in all your potholes.
6. Line cook at Guadalupana
Eat, Pray, Love or some shit…
5. Substitute physics teacher
While only qualified to teach “Force Equals Mass Multiplied By Acceleration,” JJ Watt happens to hold an abundance of prestigious titles and awards on the subject.
4. Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo… specimen
Look, if there was a “Human” category at the livestock show, White Jesus would win the Blue Ribbon and receive a standing ovation from the other… specimens? I mean, what is the word there? I’m just trying to say he’s a really great fantastic beautiful person with only slightly less attractive blue eyes than I.
3. Fourth member of En Vogue at Day For Night
JJ, your name is “Maxine” now.
2. Catalyst for the Yellowstone Super Volcano Eruption
The best news we’ve gotten all century is that this highly anticipated super volcano beneath Yellowstone National Park is going to erupt sooner rather later and it will at long last destroy everything. I’m thinking if JJ Watt positions himself in the middle of the park and just jumps up and down a few times or maybe does a “Watt Smash” (Does he do that, like Incredible Hulk? Does he have a “Watt Smash”?)… If anyone can get that pimple to pop, it’s JJ Watt.
1. Continue being an exemplary human being and inspiration to every Houstonian
All day long, I could make jokes about JJ Watt and call him White Jesus and what not. The truth is that in his relatively short life as a Houstonian, he’s already one of the best of all time. JJ Watt raised $37 million dollars taking selfie videos for two weeks. He’s personally guaranteed that the money he raised will go directly to those affected by Hurricane Harvey. I promise you if JJ Watt wasn’t out of town on a work trip during the hurricane, he would have been out rescuing people in a boat or giant truck or just walking on water. He would have been out there just like all of those other heroes that emerged during that historic event. But he couldn’t be there. That bothered him deeply, and you can see in those Instagram videos that he was genuinely frustrated that he couldn’t be here. People from all over the world felt his frustration and gave money. When he finally got back to Houston, relief work was the first thing he did.
JJ Watt is not a high form artist or the leading expert in sustainable green energy or a European city planner, he’s a football player and Houston’s finest force for good.
Cheers to you, JJ! Thank you. Get well soon and give some serious thought to the DH job over at Minute Maid Park.
P.S. Why is it Minute “Maid” and not Minute “Made”? I mean, for God’s sake, it’s “lemonade,” not “lemonaid.”