Colin Kaepernick has spent the past week traversing our fair city. Why is he doing this, you may ask? Here are some potential reasons (real reason revealed at the bottom):

The Weather

Until today, the weather in Houston has been San Diego. And look, if you’re going to train for a job you want but don’t have or really don’t have any hope of getting, then you might as well just play on the grass in sunny and cool Houston. Now I understand why “sunny and cool Houston” has been such a popular saying ‘round these parts for thousands of years.

Silent Auction

There was a Silent Auction at some secret gala for rich, white reptiles, and amongst the items up for auction was 10 minutes of Bob McNair’s time. The winning bid belonged to an anonymous bidder… Oh, wait — no. The winning bid belonged to Anonymous, which they in turn gave to Kaepernick. Plans are that Mr. Kaepernick will spend his 10 minutes with McNair by reading James Baldwin quotes in a John Wayne accent and refusing to hand him his afternoon yogurt.

The Rodeo

He got a part time job as a rodeo clown and his shift starts tonight. As a dual-threat rodeo clown, Kaepernick is expected to handle most of the running on offense. On defense he’ll be running too, but that’s just from the racist cowboys that recognize him.

Lawyer Shopping

Galleria, Downtown, Washington Ave, etc. Some of the best and brightest barristers in the world call Houston home. Do I think Tony Buzbee will take him on as a client? Certainly not. But ol’ Rusty Hardin sure as shit will. Or perhaps even Gene Egdorf.

Backup Quarterback

Colin Kaepernick is working out for the position of Deshaun Watson’s backup at quarterback for the Houston Texans. I know it seems like a long shot, but with the way free agency has gone these past three days, who knows. Sources in my head confirmed that the Texans’ Front Office is trying to keep the workout a secret from owner Bob McNair, which means it will take place on Saturday between McNair’s 11:00 a.m. yogurt and his afternoon yogurt.


Those were some fun ideas, but here is the real reason (which is still pretty awesome).